The Shitty Miracle of “The Women.”

I recently read a fun article at The A.V. Club called “Shitty Miracles,” which refers to projects so stunningly bad one wonders how they were ever greenlighted. The staff of A.V. Club seemed to have so much fun recalling their “favorite” shitty miracles, I thought I’d give it a go myself.

Since “The Room” was mentioned in the Q&A I decided not to discuss it here. Besides, “The Room” is not shitty. It is unbelievably wonderful, a transcendent movie-going experience.  If you looked up the phrase “so bad it’s good” in the dictionary, there’d be a picture of Tommy Wiseau winking impishly.

How I felt when I watched the remake of "The Women"

How I felt when I watched the remake of “The Women”

So I’m stuck picking another, erm, winner. And that has to be the 2008 remake of the 1939 classic, “The Women.” Now, the original “Women” is one of my favorite, if not my straight-up favorite film of all time. It is a fast-paced, fast-talking, funny, snarky, silly, feminist (in its own twisted, antiquated way) film about an extremely privileged woman who’s dealing with her beloved husband’s infidelity and her circle of friends’ reaction to her turmoil.

If the original “Women” was sparkly, chilled champagne, the remake is a bottle of Peach Riunite that was left in the sun. It has no bubble, no verve and might make you throw up.

Low Points:

  • The casting. It was terrible all-around, but special mention must go to the casting director who’s answer to “Get me a smart, snarky, jaded, single writer” was “I know–Jada Pinkett-Smith!” Not Aisha Tyler. Not Janeane Garafolo. Not Margaret Cho. Jada fucking Pinkett. What’s worse, was that the character was inexplicably made into a lesbian apparently so she could stand around being lesbian and saying lesbianish things like “Hey, that woman who’s banging your husband sure is hot.” I do give the writers credit for not having her wax poetic about trips to the Home Depot, but this movie is such a huge mish-mash of moronic non-sequitors, they probably had to stop somewhere.
  • At one point the twiggy tween daughter  (who worries about being fat) talks about her father finding her mother’s “coming into her own” sexy. Daughters talking about their mother’s being sexy is dead creepy. Full stop.
  • At not one, but two, points in the film, the extraordinarily annoying Sylvia character has over-earnest, goofy, feminist primer sessions with the possibly-more-annoying tween. Feminism is awesome. Talking to young girls about feminism is also awesome. Doing it in a clunky, dated, “where the hell did that come from?” way is not awesome. Oh, and the 1990’s called and it wants its feminist issues back. PLUS, I’m a liberal, not a wingnut. I don’t need my films to be rife with smarmy, obvious propaganda that confirms my worldview.
  • The original film nods earnestly–albeit quickly–to the main character’s privilege. And somehow the the time period of the film makes the first world problems of these women seem less irritating. Not so for the remake. Somehow the idea of these thoroughly unappealing women pondering love and loss and how hard it it is for a tough-talking rich woman to get by in the magazine business kind of makes me want to vomit. I simply don’t care. Honestly, the movie would have been better if they–along with their first world problems– had all click-clacked their way in their Manolos–or Jimmy Choos or whatever the hell idiots wear these days– into the middle of the street and been run over by trucks. Also, “Sex and the City” wants its…everything… back. (Although, to be fair, SATC was occasionally funny and goodness knows the “Women” remake didn’t steal that from the show.)

I don’t know how the film managed take everything that was good about the original film–its crisp dialogue, its amazing cast, its catty humor– and turn it on its head. So instead of a soapy treat about women and their relationships, you get the treat of watching a horribly mis-cast, humorless pile of shit with leaden dialogue and feminist propaganda disguised as a meandering plot.

Feminism is great. I am proudly and rabidly feminist. The most feminist aspect of “The Women” is it that features no men. If you don’t understand the visual and psychological impact of that, you have no business remaking the film.

P.S. : WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SHITTY MIRACLE?

R.I.P., Davide

The new lady cast members of SNL are pretty undeniably awesome. Here is some proof. For whatever reason, this sketch amuses me to no end.

It’s Friday night. Let’s shake out the sillies!

What are you doing/watching/listening to/reading/cooking?

Oh…PS…this video is sideways because NBC is fascist.

I Am Both a Teepee and a Wigwam

I’m too tense. I want the election to be over with. Am I the only one feeling this way?  Am I the only one who thinks the American people are bunch of dumb, lazy, pig-ignorant jerkoffs? Because if America really is exceptional, I’d say it’s because we have more than our fair share of assholes. Am I the only one need of comic relief?

Well, here it is in the form of my goofy son. Oh, and Derek Zoolander.

Random Music Friday: Cotton Candy Edition

One thing that I think goes largely unmentioned when things like this are discovered at Republican rallies (and they almost always do make an appearance somewhere whenever bitter, dumb conservatives gather) is that folks like this are allowed to stay. There is no one pointing disgustedly at him. There is no one ushering him out of the rally. He’s standing there, unmolested. If I were a cynical person–and, GOLLY, I’m nothing of the kind–I’d think that a lot of people at Romney rallies agree with that sentiment…deep down. Of course, most Republicans aren’t that deep, sooooooooooo…

Anyway, since I drink in politics like I drink your milkshake, I’m pretty bummed about the election. That it’s even close doesn’t just surprise me, it disgusts me. There sure are a lot of dumb white people in this country. I’m happy that I’m going to live to see many, many of them die off.

But let’s not worry our pretty little heads about such things now. Let’s just lose ourselves in mindless, cotton-candy music.

Now, isn’t that better?

Random silliness…

I Can Spare a Chair

It wouldn’t be Politwit (formerly known as Super Karate Monkey Something Something) if I didn’t comment on a news item so old that it has ceased to be news…

I was a little heartsick when I learned that Clint Eastwood was going to speak at the RNC. I was scared he was going to do a repeat of his “Halftime in America” performance, which was incredibly powerful and made even cranky asshole cynic like me feel a little hopeful and patriotic for a millisecond. I was also bummed because I’ve always liked Clint. Never knew much about his politics, and didn’t particularly care what they were. But he always seemed like a genial, likable guy to me. Sure he was a mediocre director and bad actor, but he was icon, dammit. And, I don’t know…I’ve just always gotten a kick out of him. So, when I heard he was going to speak for the the Republicans, I didn’t feel a lot anger. More hurt. I was hurt.

Then I saw snippets of his performance. He seemed sort of doddering and undignified, and I’d never seen him look like that before. It’s like when you realize Grandpa’s losing his mind; it’s sad. In fact, it was so spectacularly bizarre and unsuccessful, I wondered if he weren’t punking his audience.

Clint’s a wily old bastard. He said of his RNC appearance “Mission Accomplished.”(:O I’ll give you a second to let that marinate.) Which I figured you can take one of three ways, two of them not being exactly Republican-friendly. What’s going on in that head of yours, Clint?

Music Cooties

Is it blasphemous to quote MLK for an cccasion such as this? Because I want to scream “Free at last, free at last! Thank FSM, I’m free at last!”
See, The Hubster recently had to download his own iTunes account for work-related purposes. So his music is no longer intermingling with mine, tainting it and getting it’s dork juice all over it. Listen, I’m already a dork. I don’t need anyone upping my Dork Quotient.

I used to go into Recently Added, hit Shuffle and shit like this would start playing. It didn’t exactly make me a happy camper. And because I rely a lot on smart playlists, I was constantly having to search out and quarantine his Dorkola Virus-ridden songs. It was a fooking pain in the ass. Well, no more. I am free at last.

Let’s celebrate some good music…And RMF!

Popular Culture and the Asshole Response

One thing I’ve noticed while reading and commenting at political snark blogs is that as soon as the conversation turns to things like music and movies, once-terrific posters suddenly become insufferable to me.  It’s like everyone goes–immediately–to their most pretentious, hyperbolic place. Everything is THE BEST. Everything is THE WORST. And the case that posters make for “Thing X” being THE BEST or THE WORST  is inevitably expressed in the most florid, overwrought, pretentious way possible. I don’t get it. Isn’t there such a thing as saying, “I didn’t care for ‘Movie X.’ Here’s why…”? I mean, is that even possible? Am I crazy? Can people talk about popular culture in a non-douchey way? Should I ask another question here?

That being said, I am not being hyperbolic when I say that my son is THE STRONGEST BABY IN THE WORLD!!!!

He will surely rise up and destroy us all!!!!

With a Whimper

The daytime soap is dying a slow and agonizing death. You may or not know this, you may or may not care, but there it is.

Melody Thomas Scott, “Nikki,” “The Young the Restless”

The daytime drama has been around since the 30’s (if you count “The Guiding Light“‘s time on radio). I remember finding them profoundly boring and cheesy as a child. Then one summer during high school school, I fell victim to the lure of the genre. I saw Tina of “One Life to Live” stick her head in the oven to get Cord‘s attention, thought “What the fuck is this?,” and suddenly I was hooked. Since then I have reveled in the tacky, lurid, corny, glamorous, and wildly entertaining world of soaps. But while there were 12 or 13 soaps running simultaneously during the 90’s, that number has fallen to 4. It’s heartbreaking.

Katherine Kelly Lang, “Brooke” ,”The Bold and the Beautiful”

I started watching soaps as a young teenager. Guess what? Most of those soaps still have the same cast members working on the show. It’s remarkably comforting, and it invites investment in characters. Hell, I know these people, I grew up with them!  I give a shit what happens to them. There was a time when I would have knocked most movie stars to the ground to get an autograph from my one of my favorite soap actresses of all time, Katherine Kelly Lang. But all these characters/actors I’ve kept track of for the past 20-30 years? They’re going to “die” in a matter of years, if not months. For some reason, I find that profoundly depressing.

It’s a myth that only stay-at-home women watch soaps. In fact, women watch them, men (both gay and straight) watch them, and old and young folks alike watch them. Now, obviously, the housewife was soaps’ biggest demographic. So when more and more women entered the work force that put a serious hurting on the genre. And this is why women who work outside the home sicken me: they’re taking my goddamn stories away!

Andrea Evans, “Tina”, “One Life to Live”

Also, OJ murdering those two folks and the advent of 24-hour news networks did not help soaps’ plight.

Maura West, “Carly”, “As the World Turns”

The fact that the networks never sold the soaps the way I would have (running ads for them in primetime advertising them as a delicious, sinful, guilty pleasures) didn’t help either.

I don’t see daytime soaps making a comeback. I can only hope that their evil twin, the nighttime soap, makes a resurgence. The newly-revised “Dallas” gives me hope that perhaps it might. Unless soaps rise from the grave (like soooooo many of my beloved characters have) this will be it for the daytime soap. I haz a sad.

To sum things up:

1.) Working women: not just slutty feminazis trying to lead fulfilling, productive lives, and destroying society– also ruining television.

2.) Nighttime soaps may be our only hope.

3.) I really am upset.

4.) Say something to cheer me up

Super-Rich Guy: 0 vacuumslayer: 1

Who got more bang for his/her buck?

A billionaire buys one of the most iconic pieces of art of the modern era, “The Scream.” What does this say about him?

1.) He’s got shitloads of money

2.) He has interesting taste

Meanwhile, a humble hausfrau buys a $20 dollar plaque that says this:

OMG, don’t you want to drink wine with this person? You bring the wine.

What does this say about her?

1.) She is not a billionaire

2.) She is delightful

 

Clearly, the billionaire is sucker.