True Conversations

(Approximate) Conversation with hubby:

Hubby: Why did the RNC choose Reince Priebus?

Me: I don’t know. He’s awful.

Hubby: Do Wisconsinites really sound like that?

Me: I think so.

Hubby: So all Wisconsinites sound drunk?

I don’t know.

 

Happy Belated Drunk Irish People Day.
smilingnotirish

I had a party. No Irish people were invited.

 

 

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Marshall Law. Martian Law. Marsmallow Law. Jude Law.

Welcome to the grand re-re-re-opening of SKMD. My experiment with depending on other mediums to serve as outlets for my silliness FAILYULD. tumblr doesn’t have a comment system, which is tremendously unsatisfying, and twitter–unless you have a lot of followers who actually give a shit about how INCREDIBLY FUNNY AND TALENTED you are– is basically just like talking to yourself out loud. And that’s something I can do on any street corner.

So, I’m back. Maybe not often. But I need a place to shake out the sillies. I need a place to document funny things, silly things, outrageous things, and all the beautiful thoughts in my beautiful mind (except the stuff about hobo sex; that’s personal). And SKMD is probably the only good place for that.

Here’s something I’ve been obsessing over the past couple days. It’s a wingnut who got his PhD in Goofy Consipiracy Theories.

Obama signed an executive order right before the SOTU.

1. Attack the internet
2. Blame an enemy (China, Iran, N. Korea, right wing etc)
3. Take control of the internet
4. Then a major false flag attack on a city or infrastructure
5. Shut down internet
6. Marshall law

Now, orange you glad I’m back? Would you really want to be going about your day, not knowing about the imminent threat of Obama’s secret Internet attack/False flag/Marshall law plan? No, of course you wouldn’t. My readers are not sheeple!

I Blame Roy Edroso for This

Via one of his tweets, I stumbled across this fine piece of investigative journalism. (Sorry, the story’s about a month old. You know me–if it’s not completely irrelevant/obsolete,  I’m not interested!) It’s about how Obama voters are, like, omg, so dumb, you guys!!!

There’s lots that’s wrong with this smug little write-up, but I think the wrongest thing of all is the video he provides as his IN-YOUR-FACE, LIBS! smoking gun. Here it is.

Now, the thrust of this piece is that these young voters are lacking substance, just throwing out buzzwords and feel-good phrases. But I think the video pretty much completely demolishes that idea. Bearing in mind it’s often hard for even confident, bright, older people to articulate why they’re motivated to vote, I actually think these kids did an admirable job of addressing things that are important to them. Our young Bernstein-in-training doesn’t understand that because the issues that the young folks bring up are jokes to him.

Here’s my take on the highlight reel:

One kid admits to be being moved by the campaign. (He’s in thrall to The One!)

One chick says “forward.”  (O-BOT!!! Nevermind that some of us are genuinely worried that the Republicans are trying to drag us back to the 1950’s.  Saying you want to continue “moving forward” is perfectly legitimate and not proof that you’re echoing campaign slogans. Unless, of course, no one outside the Obama campaign has ever expressed a desire to move forward. Seems unlikely.)

One woman says she supports abortion and gay rights. (What is abstract or feel-goody about that? It’s pretty straightforward.)

One young man says that spending on social welfare programs is important to him. (Again, straightforward: The kid wants a safety net. What a fag.)

Shit, one guy specifically mentions he supports Obama’s stance on insurer-provided birth control and gay marriage. (Still waiting for the meaningless feel-good phrases that are just pablum.)

Well, one well-meaning young dude actually mentions the “War on Women.” Mistake. (See, it doesn’t matter if he really cares about women having access to abortion or birth control or that he’s disgusted with all the rapey goodness replete in the Republican party, he used a phrase that wingnuts reject because they are completely lacking in self-awareness and devoid of shame.)

A couple of giggly kids mention caring about having access to medical marijuana and assisted suicide. (They fail here, I guess, because they act kinda stoner-ish and laid-back. This somehow cancels out their very specific nod to the issues.)

STILL NO PABLUM. GIVE ME MY GODDAMN PABLUM, FEARLESS BLAZE “REPORTER.”

So, yeah, that’s basically it for the first part. Then the quiz begins. The kids’ performance on this part is decidedly mediocre. They probably all need to take a civics class. Or a refresher course on civics. Then again, I need to take one, too. (I got the House of Representatives number wrong. Thought it was 400. Shame on me.)

Just for funzies, I’d love to see the results of a national poll asking people who Timothy Geithner is. I’m guessing upwards of 85% of the American people could not tell you who Timothy Geithner is.

The takeaway here is supposed to be “Can you believe these dummies are voting?” But as I said before, I actually think the footage does a pretty good job of acquitting the “dummies.” And were I some hungry young “reporter” working for an esteemed site like Glenn Beck’s “The Blaze, I’d be really really really careful using that little quiz as a metric for determining voter smarts. Because if he thinks this group did poorly, he’d shocked by how poorly your average Teabagger would fare.

I can match you video for video, asshole.

Curried Beef and Butternut Squash Stew and Asteroids. No, Not Together.

What’s going on in the webosphere? Well, people are being assholes. That’s no surprise. And people are being almost endearingly naive, which is just kind of weird and pathetic. And people are cooking delicious food…which should make the first two things seem less obnoxious, if this post works the way I hope it will.

You have to wonder about  a man who would dedicate this much time and effort to being a petty asshole. Apparently, some people get really really really upset if you happen to notice that there is a lack of diversity on a conference panel. I assume these people are similarly nonplussed by the idea of panel containing no white men.

I have discussed Jonathan Haidt here before. Well, not discussed, really-lambasted. I don’t think he’s a horrible person, just a little misguided, a little blinded by his own privilege and, well, just plain wrong about a lot of stuff. That being said, this website doesn’t make me angry; it makes me sad. I think the idea of conservatives (which, if we’re honest, usually translates to “wingnut” nowadays) and liberals getting together to discuss the issues of the day is certainly interesting. But we’re really at the point that we don’t even agree on what the issues are. Put it this way– Haidt says some of the issues of the day are:

Liberal Asteroids
Conservative Asteroids

I mean, I’ll be honest, the “conservative” asteroids don’t impress me much; they’re certainly not “asteroids” for me. And as to the liberals asteroids, I think it’s safe to say that most conservatives a.) don’t believe in climate change and b.) don’t give a shit about inequality. So where does that leave us? Well, I’d say it leaves us with Asteroid Clubs that are really, really tiny.

Are you ready for stew yet? Here’s one from my own beautiful mind: Curried Beef and Butternut Squash Stew

Ingredients:

  • 1- 1 1/2 lb. stew beef
  • 2 mediums onions, cut into 1 inch pieces
  • 1/2 large butternut squash, cut into 1 inch pieces
  • 2 medium russet or Yukon Gold potatoes, cut into 1 inch pieces
  • 1 quart beef stock
  • 2-3 tablespoons mango chutney (Adjust according to your tastes; if you like a tad more more sweetness, add more. If you prefer less sweetness in a savory dish, add less.)
  • 1-3 tablespoons Indian curry powder (Adjust according to your tastes; if your blend is particularly pungent or spicy, add less. If it very mild–like mine–add more.)
  • 1/2  14 oz. can fire- roasted (or plain) diced tomatoes
  • 1/2 cup cilantro, rough-chopped
  • 1 large clove garlic, minced
  • flour
  • olive or veggie oil

Directions:

  1. Heat 1-2 tbsp. oil in dutch oven or stock pot. While the oil gets to a med-high temperature, toss beef cubes with a generous amount of flour, salt and pepper.
  2. Brown coated beef in hot oil. (The amount of flour will make for some pretty dark fond; don’t be scared, just get your other ingredients ready to add to the pot.)
  3. When the beef gets a nice and brown on a side or two, remove it from the pot and set aside.
  4. Add some more oil along with the onion, curry powder and a generous sprinkling of salt and pepper to the pot and stir, trying get up as much of the beef and flour fond off the bottom of the pot. Add a few tbsps of water, if necessary. Saute onions until they begin to soften and become translucent. Add garlic and cook until fragrant–about 30 seconds.
  5. Add the beef back to the pot.If you would like to add the potatoes and squash to the stew now–as I did–you can. They will get quite tender and even melt into the stew a bit. I think this improves the texture of the stew, making it rich and creamy. But if you prefer your veggies to have more tooth, add them when there is about a half hour left of cooking time.
  6. Add the broth, tomatoes and chutney. Cover and cook stew over LOW heat for 1 1/2 -2 hours, until the beef gets tender. I like to leave the lid off the stew or leave it askew to let some of the water evaporate and concentrate flavors.
  7. When stew is done cooking, stir in cilantro.

Now, don’t you feel better?

Liberals, You are Not Warring Hard Enough

war

(You should read the following with a Ken Burns film-esque soundtrack playing in your head. And somehow make everything sepia-toned.)

My Dearest Love,

I write to you with the gravest of news. The War on Christmas continues, but I fear our side makes no inroads. The fearsome warriors of Fox and Friends and their mighty general, Billo the Blowhard, prove too strong a foe.

Darling, you know this weighs on me more heavily than most, as I am atheist. And, so, it is with an ailing heart that I inform you of this grim chapter in our righteous fight.

Last night, I awoke to find the house festooned with evergreens, gayly-colored balls, queer, tiny lights and garishly-wrapped gifts. There appeared to be at least one stocking hanging from the mantle. And it had clearly been hung with care. It was hideous sight, and I confess I felt a bit ill upon seeing it. Who had unleashed this Merry Mayhem? I searched for a culprit. Only to find she stared back at me from the mirror–it was I! Oh, the horror! It seems I had become manic with some sort of cheer…some sort of Christmas-induced spirit, and I had committed these atrocities myself.

War truly is Hell. Still, I fight on, my love.

Warm Regards,

Your Anti-Christmas Valkyrie

You Guys, God is a Sensi

He’s also a gentleman. He will stand up when you leave the table. He will throw a coat over that puddle for you so you don’t muss your shoes. He will bring you roses on your first date.

The Lord God Almighty is a gentleman. He won’t force us to accept His great love and many blessings. If a nation tells Him to leave, He will leave. But what are we reaping as a result of a society that increasingly ignores God and hates or dismisses Jesus Christ? We are witnessing a horrifying explosion of murder.

What he will not do is save 27 people from being slaughtered. That would be ungentlemanly. Or, monstrous. Take your pick.

I Got My Peanut Butter in Your Chocolate? Oh Yeah? Well, You Got Your Boobs in My twitter

My twitter existence, as I have blogged before, is rather low-key. I follow several handfuls of comedians and comediennes,  political bloggers and writers and feminists. So my twitter feed usually goes like this:

Random funny thing

Politics

Politics

Politics

Feminism

Feminism

Random funny thing

Random funny thing

Politics

Feminism

Funny thing

Funny thing

(I should point out there’s major overlap there as many of the politics and feminism items are funny.)

But I recently found a friend on twitter who, let’s say, is single and ready to mingle. He follows a lot of dudebros and a lot of tough/dirty-talking women who use cleavage shots as their avatars. He retweets them a lot. So now my twitter feed looks like this:

Random funny thing

Politics

Politics

Boobs

Boobs

Boobs

Vagina

Random funny thing

Politics

Feminism

Boobs

Boobs

Masturbation

Boobs

Politics

Oh, BEHAVE, twitter feed.

I Would Douth Anything for Thanksgiving but I Won’t Douthat. Except that I will.

This column came out a couple of days ago, so that makes it–in blogosphere terms–about as relevant as the Lewinsky scandal; but I had to comment anyway. And trust me when I tell you that Ross Douthat’s little tantrum is even more amusing than cute, chunky chicks getting caught blowing the Prez.
See, Ross is willing to concede that the hive of scum and villainy that makes up the Democratic coalition won the election. Won it fair and square, even. It’s just we should not gloat about it because while we are super-awesome at winning elections, we are also super-awesome at tearing apart the very fabric that holds together this patchwork quilt of Norman Rockwellesque exceptionalism. Think of it this way: the red states–even though they have higher divorce and teen pregnancy rates–are the squares with the Thomas Kinkade cottages on them. The blue states are pretty much nothing but pictures of homosex.  And we are the stinky, jerky thread that’s starting to break, possibly because the Thomas Kinkade squares weigh more than the other squares and also have higher incidences of diabetes. I don’t know. This analogy is not perfect.  Nor did I provide citations, but–guess what–neither did little Rossie. It’s just that all the stuff I said is true and provable. And so is the fact that Ross Douthat is a dumb poopyhead.

My son: not a poopyhead. Bit of a poopybottom.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, EVERYBODY!

Question: Am I Drunk Enough to Troll Ted Nugent? Answer: Yes.

I know what you’re all thinking now, and I agree: Yeah, I’m pretty great.

That’s What She Said

I think everyone who reads my blog on a regular basis knows that I watch soaps. And when it was not as much a dying genre, I was pretty serious about “my stories.”  What you may not know is that roughly a decade ago, I wrote a couple of letters to the powers that be at “The Bold and Beautiful.” Now, that’s fandom! Anyway, apparently they were pretty impactful because one of the co-creators of the show called me to discuss my letters. Twice. Which is neat, in a way. But I think it was around that time that I realized that enjoying a show should not take that much work. See, B&B had been going downhill for awhile and the show’s executive producer and head writer seemed bound and determined to make it the shittiest, most misogynistic soap on the air. The target of the show’s misogyny was always fan favorite, Brooke. A lot of us Brooke fans took issue with this. So we often met up online–via email and message boards– to campaign for better storylines and love interests for her. It was constant. It was letter-writing. It was posting on the official message board. It was voting in polls. But often we would say privately “Should getting this show to be watchable be this hard?”

Obama: the Brooke Logan (the one getting crap slapped out of her) of politics

Which brings me to the election. How is this race even close? We had one candidate tell half the country that they were lazy moochers. How is this race not 90%-10% in favor of Obama?

I recently read a terrifically smart comment at BJ, summing up the situation with this astute analogy: Living in the US is like living in an apartment complex where one half of its tenants are constantly trying to burn the building down. Doesn’t that just say it all? And it’s so true. One half of this country is comprised of firebugs. But I can’t tell if they’re arsonists or if they just start the fires while trying to light their farts. Are Americans actively malicious, dumb or just apathetic? I don’t know. All I know that is trying to keep this country from burning to the ground shouldn’t be this hard.