Liberals, You are Not Warring Hard Enough


(You should read the following with a Ken Burns film-esque soundtrack playing in your head. And somehow make everything sepia-toned.)

My Dearest Love,

I write to you with the gravest of news. The War on Christmas continues, but I fear our side makes no inroads. The fearsome warriors of Fox and Friends and their mighty general, Billo the Blowhard, prove too strong a foe.

Darling, you know this weighs on me more heavily than most, as I am atheist. And, so, it is with an ailing heart that I inform you of this grim chapter in our righteous fight.

Last night, I awoke to find the house festooned with evergreens, gayly-colored balls, queer, tiny lights and garishly-wrapped gifts. There appeared to be at least one stocking hanging from the mantle. And it had clearly been hung with care. It was hideous sight, and I confess I felt a bit ill upon seeing it. Who had unleashed this Merry Mayhem? I searched for a culprit. Only to find she stared back at me from the mirror–it was I! Oh, the horror! It seems I had become manic with some sort of cheer…some sort of Christmas-induced spirit, and I had committed these atrocities myself.

War truly is Hell. Still, I fight on, my love.

Warm Regards,

Your Anti-Christmas Valkyrie


24 thoughts on “Liberals, You are Not Warring Hard Enough

  1. Darling, I am indeed pensive, as I fear things may be even worse than you said openly. I appreciate that you feel that you must shield me, a weak male, from the truth, but war is no time for the mask of brave femininity. I gaze out upon the scene of horror confronting you, and I see a mouse. Nay, I must be brave, and say it – I see The Mouse. I cannot imagine your pain at being confronted by the forces not only of Christmas, but Disney as well. Be brave, my love, and know that should the worst befall you, Krampus will welcome you with open arms.

  2. Au contraire mon frere. Numerous battles have been waged and won and the war continues. While my home has been similarly festooned to provide the enemy with a false sense of security, there will be even less gift-giving than ever before. No gifts between adults (except for small gifts from children to grandparents), only for children. It took many years of curmudgeonly behavior, but I have finally prevailed, and I am prepared to make further advances against the forces of christmas. With the home of my christmas-loving sister-in-law who always hosts christmas breakfast destroyed by Hurricane Sandy, all of my extremely catholic brothers and sisters in law will forced to spend the holiest morning of the year having brunch at the home of the one whom they not so affectionately refer to as the “atheist socialist,” where they will be denied their pre-feast prayers and all other sorts of christmas revelry, and will be wished a mere “happy holiday.”

  3. The battle is joined! I am prepared, fully armored in my skull-n-crossbones t-shirt and jeans against all forms of cheer. I am also ready to utter “happy solstice” in a less than perfectly friendly manner as a response to a holiday greeting!

    There may perhaps be only a slight smirk accompanying this greeting as well! Well maybe a small grin and perhaps a nod of the head… Definitely not a not a proper smile! Definitely not!

    Take that, Christmas! WOLVERINES!!!!!!!

    After the battle, I have to got to go finish my Christmas shopping.

  4. Hmpf. I finished gift shopping early, ate a shitload of Christmas cookies today, and last night watched the Original Grinch. And it snowed here last night.
    Imma switching sides.

    ….however, it is certainly alarming when Bouffant and I are the most joyful ones in a comment thread.

  5. I was truly beaten back during the War on Christmas Eve. I battled on bitterly, but in the end the Gifts were opened and the Turkey with all the Trimmings were all eaten. That was followed by an overwhelming barrage of Pumpkin, Apple and Key Lime Pies. I’m afraid I was forced to retreat, stuffed to the gills, with my new Kindle Fire, in the face of these insurmountable odds. I am, however, happy to report that I’m faring much better in the War on Christmas! I am almost half way through an 11 hour work day. Take that, Christmas!!! I am dealing with people who are either about to be delivered into the hands of the airlines or have just been through the hands of the airlines. So very little Holiday Cheer around here. We just might win this battle.

    Meanwhile, some Hendrix style Christmas music.

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