Cats Out of Bags Arrived at Waterloo with No Greek Columns to Offer Antidote! More florid metaphors! People yelling!

Via here, I find this. And it feels like a gift, the best 2 P.M. pick-me-up ever. It’s just so incedibly hilarious. It’s so dramatic! So metaphor-laden! So lacking in substance!

But, O-bots, don’t you get it? Obama was revealed! CURTAINS. PULLED. BACK, sheeple.

Mere minutes into the first debate, the “reveal” was underway. All the straw men began falling dead and two candidates were left standing, not as the men they claimed to be or were described to be, but as the men they really are. For better or worse, all was laid bareon the unfiltered debate stage.

I take my debate stages like I take my coffee–unfiltered! (It’s undrinkable!) Now…go ooooooooooooon…

If you are like most right-leaning types, you have been consumed with perception issues for some time, peeking behind the curtain and wondering when “the rest of America” would “catch on” to the “real” Barack Obama. If you are a liberal, you have likely been wondering what the “big deal is,” and why conservatives are so determined that you “get” what’s behind the stinkin’ curtain.

I “admit” I “have” “wondered” why conservatives are “obsessed” with Obama’s “curtains,” it’s true.

But this was a different kind of night in Denver.The Greek columns were gone and the Mile High City smacked of Waterloo. Against all presumption, the untouchable President fell under the weight of his own house of cards. With the help of the Democratic machine and other forces behind the curtain, he’d built that paper palace word by word and image by image. The media tweaked it perfectly. For years, they made mortgage payments, and kept the place in fresh coats of paint.

Oh dear. Somebody slap the conserva-robot’s back–she’s caught in a tortured metaphor loop!

 

Enter the “cretin windbag”—minus the media filters and far from the teleprompters. Almost in an instant, the Obama oxygen was sucked out. The pretense, so carefully crafted and maintained, was eviscerated on live TV. We saw the unadulterated product and decided for ourselves.

Living rooms were abuzz: “Wow. Who is this guy? That can’t be Mitt Romney! This guy’s no creep. He makes sense. He gets it.”

Gee whiz, this Mitt fellow sure is cool! Mom, Dad, can I ask him to the Sadie Hawkins sockhop?!

Anyway, you get the idea, but do give the whole thing a read if you’re in the mood for a few laughs. It really is incredibly funny and so badly-written, I actually feel a little bad for the author.

But here’s my favorite thing from the paranoid Faux News talking point fap-fest blog.
 
It’s this excerpt from an author description:

Dave is everything that the Left hates; a happily married, heterosexual, white Christian male.

Yes. Because all liberals hate men, White people, happily-married people and Christians.

Granted, I hate white people, but most liberals are not as cranky and misanthropic as I am.

I won’t bother pointing out that many liberals are married (happily), white, male, straight, and, yeah, Christian. (Not necessarily all at the same time, but certainly many libs can check one or all of those boxes.) It might make the poor sage’s head asplode.

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28 thoughts on “Cats Out of Bags Arrived at Waterloo with No Greek Columns to Offer Antidote! More florid metaphors! People yelling!

  1. I think the lonk to the article is broked, ma’am. Still with my suprior skills and such i found it and this morsel appealed.
    The cat was out of the bag. All cover was blown. The President and his alchemists could offer no antidote. Not even the media could help them, especially with the scandal in Libya forcing their bony hands. Nor did the people need the talking heads’ two cents. They saw the candidates through their own eyes and came to their own conclusions.
    “Alchemists”, “bony hands” *scratches head.*
    What is she on?

  2. the Mile High City smacked of Waterloo
    Waterloo Station? The main smell there is a kind of generic Food haze from the croissants and sausage-inna-bun food concessions, drowning out the fug of sweaty-body commuters.

    Points deducted if the author forgot “Potemkin village”.

  3. Dave is everything that the Left hates; a happily married, heterosexual, white Christian male.

    Let us steal from Chris’ comment at S,N!:
    “…someone who, like many conservatives, is concocting a fantasy world in which the people who don’t give a fuck about him are actually violently hating and oppressing him.”

  4. I “admit” I “have” “wondered” why conservatives are “obsessed” with Obama’s “curtains,” it’s true.

    I’m willing to bet Obama’s “curtains” match the “rug.”

  5. If you are a liberal, you have likely been wondering what the “big deal is,” and why conservatives are so determined that you “get” what’s behind the stinkin’ curtain.

    OMG, now I can see!!! The President is BLACK!!!

    Thank you, wingnuts, I never would have guessed his fiendish melanin content otherwise. I think I shall now order the DVD of Red Dawn and some Lee Greenwood CDs.

  6. Awesome find. I bet she thinks she’s a great writer.

    And I’m continually baffled at the things that righties think are conserved. Like blame (e,g, if we blame someone for inciting a violent response that somehow it relieves the violent responders of any blame) or approval (e.g., if we approve of nonwhites, gays, atheists, and gay marriages, that somehow we must disapprove of white heterosexual christian marriages).

    Of course, as always, it boils down to projection. They have capacity for only so much approval, so therefore so must everyone else.

    • It’s terrible when there are all those bees in the room, and everyone else pretends they can’t hear or see them.

  7. i highly doubt that denver is anything like waterloo, ia…i have been to waterloo…and it ain’t no denver…okay, now i’m hungry…how about a recipe for a kick-ass denver sammie?

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