If I’m scarce these days, it’s because I’m preparing for a nerve-wracking event: Lord Chubbington’s White-Glove Safety and Hygiene Inspection. In the past they have…not gone well.
First, Lord Chubbington tries to lull me into a false sense of security:
"Look...look into my eyes, Mommy. Don't be afraid-- it's going to go GREAT."
Things start out ok, if a bit dramatically…
"Gods of Cleanliness, please help me to render my verdict with fairness and mercy!"
"Good news: this bannister is sound."
"Baby gate appears to be regulation-height. Good, good."
"Let me get a look at this table. Has it been baby-proofed? Are there fingerprints? Lemme get a close look."
" A REALLY close look."
Lord Chubbington’s moods can change on a dime.
Sometimes he can be so imperious.
"NO WIRE HANGERS!!"
Plus, he’s so freaking anal.
Oh yeah, I'm sure the ONLY way to check the floor for dust is to rub your stomach across it. OK, you're dedicated to your job--WE GET IT.
Checking to make sure the blankets still have their tags? Really?
Is he flipping me off?
And sometimes he’s just downright cruel.
I think he's going to award me the Lord Chubbington Award of Safety and Hygiene...
...then he awards it to himself.
And on top of all of this, he has to make this big *show* of how badly I’m failing.
It’s all very upsetting!