On Assignment: To Love, Honor and Slay WITH LAUGHTER

When the lovely Thers of Whiskey Fire offered to let me cross-post at his joint, he mentioned that it was my destiny to do some commentary on this blog. Seems a bit like slaying vacuums in a barrel, but ok.

Sheila Wray Gregoire’s latest entry is about a super-Christiany book that’s gonna teach how you to turn all your little Timmys into little Tim Tebows. Which, for the purposes of this post, seems like a great idea.

Now let me excerpt from the entry and make smart-ass remarks about those excerpts.

OK, this is from the bio info in right column, but I couldn’t help but start with it, because it sounds to me like somebody’s got a thing for Jesus!

She loves speaking about marriage, parenting, and keeping our eyes on Jesus.

Dear Jesus, do you like me? Like like like me? Check “yes” or “no.”

Parents, your kid’s success or failure, to a large degree, depends on you.

Brilliant! Although I’m kinda bummed I can’t let my dogs do the heavy lifting of parenting. And I do mean heavy because my son is not a petite child.

From the book:

Successful adults don’t happen by accident. It takes years to raise a child into an adult with a strong sense of their destiny in God, a passion to serve Him and a deep knowledge of his gifts and callings.


You can’t parent by default and expect your kid to be great. But even more than that, if God has gifted your children–and He has–then part of your job as a parent is to uncover those gifts and steer your child in the way that you can see God is leading them. And I think she’s right. Now some people aren’t going to like what Kate has to say. Isn’t she minimizing God’s role if she says it’s up to us?

Yes, I do wonder about that. Is it improper to want to raise your children instead of leaving it up to a surprisingly malicious imaginary friend?

To be truly excellent at anything, Kate says, it takes ten thousand hours of hard work.

“Kate” is an odd name for a wild-haired bi-racial man.

Consider why God gave your child their gifts and talents in the first place. I believe there is one reason and one reason only and it’s to bring Glory and fame to His name — not ours.

OK, I’m just gonna come right out and say it: God sounds like kind of a credit-hogging dick.

Anyway, I skimmed the rest of the entry and the gist of the book seems to be:

  • You, God and Jesus are totally besties, like, forever.
  • You should totally make your kids strive for excellence, but not be a total douche about it.
  • If your kid does not end up being a tattooed lesbian who grows organic arugula on her little farm with her transgendered partner, Sheila, GODDIDIT.
  • If you are not a total brainwashed Jesus freak, you might wanna not bother with whole “having kids” thing altogether. Cuz then God won’t get his glory, and he needs to meet his Glory Quota each month or Tim Tebow will start losing games.

The end!

And now…a palate-cleansing movie:


11 thoughts on “On Assignment: To Love, Honor and Slay WITH LAUGHTER

  1. Well “somebody’s” going to hell! (good thing that’s where all the rock and roll is!)

    The organic, arugula growing lesbian sounds perfect for Big B! 🙂

    I want that BAY BEE!!!!


  2. thanks for the babby flick…when I first gave birth to my son, I had no idea god and jesus planned for him to be an adorable, smart alecky, cynical, bass playing pugilist with motivational issues…wow, that info could have saved a lot of yelling…

  3. She loves speaking about marriage, parenting, and keeping our eyes on Jesus.

    I bet she’s staring at Jesus’ ass… dude used to walk on water just to tone those glutes.

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