A Hot Cheese Mess We Can All Get Behind

Although I’m sure we’d like to forget, many of us will probably have this unpardonable “recipe” tattooed on our branes forever. It’s called–incredibly appropriately–

Hot Cheese Mess. And it goes like this:

Boil some kind of pasta. Take some of the boiling water from the pasta and pour it into a bowl of leftover cheese from a cheese platter until the cheese gets all gooey. Drain the pasta and pour the cheese-water-mess all over the pasta. Yum.

I would like to help you forget this hot mess, dear readers. So, how about a cheesy pasta dish we that won’t make us throw up? Heck, I’ll even set the bar higher. How about a cheesy pasta dish we may enjoy ingesting?!!!!!!!

Vacuumslayer’s Hot Cheese Mess That Won’t Make You Barf
  • 1 container oil-cured bocconcini in flavor of your choice
  • 1/4-1/3 cup chopped fresh basil and/or Italian parsley
  • 1 container cherry or grape tomatoes
  • 16 oz. pasta of choice
  •  2-3 cloves fresh garlic, finely chopped

Prepare pasta according to package directions. Preheat oven to 450. Toss the tomatoes, most of the garlic, a generous sprinkling of salt and pepper and a generous helping of oil poached from the bocconcini container together on a rimmed baking sheet. Roast for 15-25 minutes, until tomatoes wrinkle and begin to deflate.

Add to hot cooked pasta, along with the chopped, fresh herbs, drained bocconcini and remaining fresh garlic.

Serve it with a green salad, like this one:

It’s just cosmopolitan lettuce, spinach leaves, celery hearts, red onion and hothouse cukes with a lemon, garlic, olive oil, Parmesan vinaigrette.

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103 thoughts on “A Hot Cheese Mess We Can All Get Behind

  1. Pasta and cheese? As a ca-noodlian I almost feel obligated to say something about KD, but how's about I offer my carbonara instead:Fry up some bacon in butter and oil*. Remove from heat, add grated parmesan and romano. Add a raw egg and some dry white wine. Mix thoroughly. Add hot drained boiled pasta (I prefer fettucine for this). Mix thoroughly again. Serve with cracked black pepper on top.Proportions? It's cookeries and not baking, so I go by feel. Probs a couple ounces each of bacon, butter and oil. If you've got pancetta, feel free to use that instead of bacon. Grated cheese enough to make a thick slurry – about 8 oz. total. One large egg. About half a cup of wine (Confession Time, I pour myself a glass when I start teh recipe, pour myself a second glass while cooking and dump teh remainder into teh bowl**). Good for about a pound of dried pasta. Serves four for dinner with a modest chance of enough leftovers for one or two lunches.* How can you not love a recipe that starts with this line?** Meaning you will need a second bottle of the same white wine to serve with dinner.

  2. So, how about a cheesy pasta dish we that won't make us throw up?That's the only cheesy pasta dish that has ever made me want to throw up. I mean, how hard would it have been to make a bechamel sauce in which to melt the cheese, so as to make a proper mac-n-cheese, or a baked ziti? Yeesh…I had a tradition when I was sharing a house with a bunch of friends- whenever there was a wicked blizzard, I'd make a huge pot of meat ragout. I'd bust out the biggest pot in the house, and I'd saute onions, garlic, and hot peppers in olive oil, add some tomato paste and saute until it took on some color, then throw in a few sausages (both hot and sweet), a couple of country-style spareribs, some braciole and meatballs, pour in some red wine, then add a bunch of tomatoes (crushed by hand), and simmer the bejeezus out of it while shoveling snow.If I was super ambitious, I'd break out the hand-cranked pasta roller and make fettucine from scratch.Bellissimo!

  3. * How can you not love a recipe that starts with this line?While I am not a bacon fetishist, it definitely is not unappealing. I like to start my red linguine and clam sauce with both butter and olive oil. Carbonara is so rich and heavy I almost never make it…but the idea of adding some wine makes it sound so much more complex and appealing. Also, how can you not have some wine while cooking? The bottle is just there, opened, begging for it!

  4. Teh remainder of teh first bottle of white goes into your guests while they watch you cook.I'm totally a proponent of getting guests loaded. Then everyone will leave thinking I'm terrifically witty and an amazing cook. Wine goggles.

  5. Whups about teh egg comment. It's just that whole raw egg = mandatory caveat thing. I blame teh fact that I live in a nanny state socialest utopia.You can make carbonara without adding wine to teh sauce? How does that work? Don't you just end up with a pile of pasta with a big lump of congealed cheese in teh middle of it?

  6. You can make carbonara without adding wine to teh sauce? How does that work? Don't you just end up with a pile of pasta with a big lump of congealed cheese in teh middle of it?I think all carbonaras I've seen/made call for cream, instead of wine. Zooey Deschanel is now in a dead heat with the two drunk girls for cuteness.I think if you're into Manic Pixie Dream Girls ™ or Alternative Girls™ you're contractually obligated to like Zooey.

  7. BTW, I am obsessed with the idea of dying my hair red now. Not because I like Gingers so much. No matter what folks say, Blondes are superior and that's that. But I never get to leave the house and some days I barely get to leave my rocker…and frankly I'd like to do something wild to perk up my existence. I just worry that my lashes and brows are too dark and prominent. Unlike the Gingers, I actually HAVE them.

  8. OK, I could eat that. Although I'm more a fan of bacon, mushroom, blue cheese and cream on my pasta. And you need to learn how to make Sophie-dressing, which is honey and mustard whisked up with oil and a good tbsp of decent chili-flavoured vinegar beaten in at the end. And get a decent lettuce.You can make carbonara without adding wine to teh sauce? How does that work? Don't you just end up with a pile of pasta with a big lump of congealed cheese in teh middle of it?Boil the pasta and drain it, then add the butter and bacon and egg and cream and HEAPS of grated parmesan. Why waste wine?

  9. Although I'm more a fan of bacon, mushroom, blue cheese and cream on my pasta. And you need to learn how to make Sophie-dressing, which is honey and mustard whisked up with oil and a good tbsp of decent chili-flavoured vinegar beaten in at the end.I could go for all of that. I will put it in my recipe roster.

  10. Then everyone will leave thinking I'm terrifically witty and an amazing cook. Wine gogglesShirley you mean "Wine giggles".I blame the distracting drunk girls who can't tell if they have pants on.I often resort to the same excuse.

  11. I often resort to the same excuse.Note to self: Do not invite Smut over to house for wine if other company is coming. "Now we just have to warn you about Smut…sometimes he forgets if he's wearing pants or not. Don't be alarmed; he's perfectly harmless."

  12. Don't be alarmed; he's perfectly harmless.""…unless you are confused about the difference between Australian and New Zealand bands. Then all bets are off, and I am grabbing Dudeskull and heading for the panic room."

  13. There is simply NOTHING hotter than that magenta color that the kewl vietnamese girls dye their hair. There's actually a mathematical proof of this:Vietnamese Girl + Magenta Hair Dye = The hottest thing on planet earth.Don't blame me, I think it was Hawking came up with that. Won the Gorgonzola prize for Hot Cheese Mess.You should see how it works on the anglo saxon portion of the population.Hey look! W/V is a 10cc reference! mandi

  14. Oh! And double sekrit Carbonara trick!Trader Joes has Carbonara raviolis. 4 bucks for a bag. I'm tellin ya, right?So I toss 'em in a pot of boiling water, crisp up some diced bacon in a big pan, when the bacon's ready take it off the heat, drizzle in some good olive oil, drain the raviolis and throw 'em in the pan with the bacon, toss to coat, throw in two or three BIG handfulls of grated Parmigiana, bust an egg in there, top with more cheese and black pepper. MY latest discovery is those raviolis freeze quite nicely, so I'm ALWAYS prepared…

  15. I made a cheesy mess a few days ago. By dumping grated cheese on the hot spag. It was edible, which is all that matters.Dumping hot water on cheese platter leftovers is nauseating. As is having had a cheese platter, or leftovers therefrom. At least you foodie weirdos aren't going on about sex recipes.

  16. I wonder if Smut watched thos Drunk Kitchen videos. Because I refuse to take responsibility for the damages to computer screens, or to the kitchen Chez Clyde.I suspect the Olde Entomologist is used to repairing their facilities from their clientele and a contractor is on call, if not on the premises.

  17. Vietnamese Girl + Magenta Hair Dye = The hottest thing on planet earth.I was a printer for several years so any of the four-colour-process printing pigments gives me the tingly feeling. Sadly, the Frau Doktorin stubbornly refuses to dye any parts of herself cyan.AFAIK, magenta is the only hue named after a battlefield.

  18. Besides Smut, nobody who's anybody does 4/c Process anymore.It's all Hexachrome, with metallic spot hits.Either that or twelve dozen one-offs per plate gang run, color be damned…

  19. I was just clarifying. mikey said the thing about magenta hair. I said I wanted to use a color that occurred in nature. Should have specified I meant a color that occurred in HAIR naturally.

  20. I also have sex recipes. At least, Malyon has promised to give me "101 Ways To Cook With Semen" for my birthday. And the French will do you thick slices of breaded, fried udder, if you ask. Even after Africa, I do not think I really want to try that. Not knowingly, anyway.Shut up, Smut.

  21. Should have specified I meant a color that occurred in HAIR naturally.well.that's….alarmingly dull, for one who creates some pretty wild hair colors on your artwork.As one who designs things other than caves and tree-crotches, I find nature sometimes left a little to be desired.

  22. and I have no problem with efforts to improve on nature, s'what I'm saying.Of course, I no longer color my hair, but have gone the natural silverback route, so who am I to judge?Also, I am pretty sure all my ear piercings have closed up. And no tats, so yeah, I talk a good game.

  23. If you've got pancetta, feel free to use that instead of bacon. Grated cheese enough to make a thick slurry – about 8 oz. total. One large egg. About half a cup of wine (Confession Time, I pour myself a glass when I start teh recipe, pour myself a second glass while cooking and dump teh remainder into teh bowl**).this is why I started cooking. However, my problem comes in when I am supposed to dump in the 'remainder' of my wine glass. I am unfamiliar with that concept.

  24. for one who creates some pretty wild hair colors on your artwork.Of course, you HAVE complained in the past about the PITA of painting hair, so perhaps you are being perfectly consistent here.sigh. I remember my younger days, when all the girls had rainbow colored hair and so did the boys. Not like now, when it's all black and emo. We used to call that goth, and it was just one of the choices.I do recall, however, when one of my room mates used a less-than-high-end magenta hair dye; although Jen's hair looked great, it left pinkish stains every where she rested her head.good times, good times. I was homeless, but who was counting?

  25. All of a sudden, I get the idea I'm supposed to live up to some silly ideal because I am an artist and a flaming liberal. The thing is, I've always prided myself on eschewing trendiness and anything that appeared too studied. The only thing I've ever wanted to be is comfortable in my own skin. And dying my hair magenta? That's just not me. In fact, if I saw someone over the age of 18 who was not in a rock band with magenta hair, I'd probably be like "That's kinda silly and/or pretentious." I've always liked the fact that I didn't give a fuck what anyone thought about me. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

  26. I've always liked the fact that I didn't give a fuck what anyone thought about me. Says the woman who has a category entitle "LET'S ALL PAY ATTENTION TO ME NOW!"OK, relax, I am just poking the artist. We all have our idiosyncracies and inconsistencies.For instance, you may have heard that I like this band, the Mekons? Also, have you ever heard of this band from Australia, the Bats? Awesome.

  27. All of a sudden, I get the idea I'm supposed to live up to some silly ideal because I am an artist and a flaming liberal.absolutely right. That's why you oughta just shave the head. From my POV, all the ottists I meet seem to be well-inked. So maybe skip the hair color, and just get zombies tattooed on your back.

  28. You know what would be funny? If I erased the post where I contemplated dying my hair red, but left all the ones after it up. Everyone would be like "WTF? I thought this was about pasta!"

  29. Parched blog no desert slog, sun was just a grayAnd a little bit of water goes a long way, Three good bloggers were laughing and smoking in the backOf a rented blogThey couldn't know they couldn't eat that dogEach one with the money in his pocketCould go out and buy himself a brand new hairdoBut they all had the money they hadMoney they hoped would let them change hair color…The sky was bright, a traffic light, now and then a dryerAnd they hadn't seen a hipster around all dayThey brought everything they neededdyes and bleaches and foils to alter the tressThe driver said the dresser's just over the bluff…It wasn't until the dryer suddenly stoppedIn the middle of a wet set and dryAnd the other guy turned and spilledthree cups of dye, did they know an appointment was blown?They're ok the blond girls of summer, they'll be breathing chemical air, the uncolored are already thereYou wouldn't be interested in changing your color, instead of staying blandThey say the reds are nice this time of year

  30. You know what would be funny? If I erased the post where I contemplated dying my hair red, but left all the ones after it uppfft. Like any of the regulars would even notice.Speaking of which, I am TREMENDOUSLY OFFENDED that you did not stop by and comment on my tear-jerking remembrance post.I guess you hate me, too.

  31. Yeah, you stiffed me too you MZ bastich….I thought of telling my own maternal death-scene story* to see if it would spark a competition.* Lethal doses of morphine were involved.

  32. LET ME TELL you of my intersection with the ChurchAnd their harder smilesAnd their rigid armsAnd their evil sighs…but regardless of their longer days, when the Church were scheduled to play in Milwaukee, Zombie, being disposed to live music, had tix. And they were in the middle of a week, but on the same night that zombie normally threw drunken darts.and being a considerate zombie, told his fellow darters that there would be one less zombie that night. Because rock and roll zombie wanted to see The Church.And when Zombizzle rolled up to the venue, was told that the Band had cancelled the show because they were dissatisfied with the venue.DISSATISFIED WITH THE VENUE.So after that, I have little consideration for the Church, even if I kind of like their songs.and if you upside downies want to dispute that, you need to meet me here, preferably with one of those assholes from the Church who fucked my ticket.

  33. Speaking of which, I am TREMENDOUSLY OFFENDED that you did not stop by and comment on my tear-jerking remembrance post.Ya know, I actually read that entry and wanted to comment, but got distracted for whatever reason. On top of having a babby around, we are being kicked out of our rental and now we're being subjected to having folks traipse though our house every few days, which is great, because my life isn't stressful enough.

  34. I know, right? Now, Dudeskull will be homeless, begging on the street for fresh onesies and bottles of formula. I'd be psyched about the high post count if I didn't have 2 sets of people coming to see da house today.

  35. But srsly, have you figured out where you're moving next? Because if you don't mind relocating to LEAFS SUCK, this beauty just came onto teh market. Sweet fancy Moses, that house is gorgeous…and I just happen to have 3 million bucks lying around doing nothing. You know what this means, don't you? PLAYDATES!

  36. VS, that's a hard row.But think of this: moving is an Adventure! U-Haul says so!While I'm not keen on the moving process, I am excited to be getting out of this house and into a smaller, more well-built house. The new house we're moving into has no formal dining room, which is fine with me because we have no formal dining room sat and the dining room we have now is sort of furnished in this tacky rag-tag way.

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