Career Options

Career Options for Baby/Mother
70’s-Era Landlord/Professional Baby Embarrasser
Hugh Hefner/Executive Fist-Warmer
Bored & Nonchalant Zombie/A George A. Romero-esque Director Who Has Lost Her Zest for Film-Making
Unpaid Model/Lazy Photographer Who Tries to Pass off iPhone Pictures of Nothing as “Avant Garde”
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102 thoughts on “Career Options

  1. Thanks, WC. It always puts a smile on my face when people compliment the little booger. I think he's angelic…but I am biased. Bewbies & babbies…I figured this entry couldn't lose.

  2. So, some comments about the pictures. I think the top one is HILARIOUS, because he almost looks like he's making some mini-Zoolander face. The zombie nomming one cracks me up because he is SO half-hearted about nomming his own arm. Notice on the last one, he gives up nomming in favor of yawning. Ha!As to the cleavage one, I actually do not go walking like that, it's just that when I hold him, he always squirms around like some mad wiggle worm and tries to angle himself horizontally and he'll grab onto anything to get himself positioned. So that's why my tank is pulled down like that. I do not go out with bra showing, believe it or not!And notice my owl ring!!! It's neat! And surprisingly low-profile and wearable.

  3. Frankly, they seem more like hobbies than careers, but go ahead and write up a business plan, prepare a slide deck with NO MORE than 20 slides, a first year budget with staffing levels by quarter and call my admin to schedule a presentation. You'll get one chance withd 20 minutes of feedback and either a funding offer or nothing.

  4. OK, which one of you goofballs was pretending to be a drunken rambling zombie at all the blogs last night? I think it was fish. It usually is. Something something and I'll provide the staff.Well, that is some mighty lazy joke-flirtin' but it still amused me.

  5. I think it was fish. It usually is. I mean, he has to have something to occupy himself when he's not going to every blog and making the joke I want to make before I get a chance to. THUS RUINING MY DAY.

  6. It's funny you should say that. I just tried to find something to occupy my time while I was watching the little guy play, erm, squirm, and I rented "Sucker Punch." That line from MST3K: "Apparently the plot is none of our business"? Um, yeah.

  7. Now it's getting a little comical.Like a moth to the flame, I am.Do you, like, have your own photographer who hovers just over your shoulder in case your son puts his hand down your shirt?If not, may I apply for the position?

  8. The reference is from "The Girl in Gold Boots"…nope, still nothing. I wish I knew what you kids are talking about with the Neve Campbells and the hula hoops and the debt defaults and the transistor radios and the Me-Pods and the baggy pantses and the fist-warming boobses and the long emergencies and the Arcade Fires and the Harvey Braineaters….

  9. Is the Zombie claiming to be unaware of MST3K? Didn't it originate on some public access channel up in his neckbones of the woods and wouldn'ts?A few days ago I instructed the unmanned teevee recorder thingie to fly over waziristan and record many episodes of "Archer". For you Zombies, it's an amazingly rude and irreverent cartoon about secret agents. Worth having on the teevee recorder thingie for when short term amusement is necessary.Like, I suppose, if you happened to be Boehner today…

  10. I'm pretty sure if I had one o'those thangs I'd never talk to any ACTUAL humans ever again. But sadly, for the first time in decades, my technology is getting a little long in the silicon while I struggle to just pay the GOD DAMN RENT. Ah well. I'm pretty sure it could be worse. I'm just not real sure how.

  11. Ah well. I'm pretty sure it could be worse. I'm just not real sure how.well, you could have started your own business, and then after watching Wall Street Assholes destroy your industry for shits, giggles, and a couple of percentage points of profit, found yourself barely employed, aging and unmarketable in a profession that has been shedding jobs and opportunities, only hiring young kids with little experience but willing to work at half your wage; and STILL watching your tech slowly obsolesce….I think the only solution is for VS to get rich as a Mommy-Ottist, and hire me as permanent Designer and you as in-house Tech King.

  12. In point of fact, I'd submit that my story is sadder than that. My entire grownup career has been predicated on getting bits in peoples hands by recording them on some sort of removable media. Floppy disks, tape cartridges, optical discs, flash memory devices – I happily evolved along with the popular digital media formats.But along came that fucking wire, and people started plugging it into their computers and they'd smile an evil self-satisfied smirk and say "hey, i don't need any of those…THINGS anymore". And alas, they didn't need ME anymore.So now, too old and too fat, trying to convince kids thirty years my junior that EXPERIENCE counts for something, and watching them tune out before I get to my second paragraph, nodding in a disinterested and slightly impatient manner as they decide the old fart just won't cut it in the new culture they're building…

  13. Mommy-OttistAt the risk of sounding immodest, I think I'm fairly bright and accomplished…but I'm pretty certain that becoming an otter and then getting paid for it is beyond my reach.

  14. Also, you two are depressing me. Maybe this will cheer you up a bit…ok, on the subject of wuving my readers, it's true. I know this sounds really ass-kissy and just gross in general, but man you guys are fucking hilarious. If I told you how many times I laughed or smiled after reading the comments I get, well, let's just say it would tiresome. You'd be like "WE KNOW YOU LOLed, LADY!!!" I think I'd be hard-pressed to find a wittier bunch of people on The Tubes. Seriously. Kudos for being so fucking smart and funny. I think that counts for a lot.

  15. Sorry.Had to dash over and add some more Soul Asylum worship.Got Wilson pitching the ninth against the Phillies.Got broth and wine and herbs on the boil for some rice pilaf.Got a marinated pork tenderloin in the oven.Got a pot o'water and steamer basket ready for some fresh asparagus (they grow it right here so it's pretty cheap). And I have some herb ciabbatta to heat up when it's ready.Got another outsized sailor Jerry's contributing to my fairly nice warm buzz. I'm ok for now…

  16. started crying and he WON'T GO TO SLEEP. Plus I am alone so I have no relief. I'm hungry and tired.sorry.Been there.didja try the baby seat on the dryer trick?When I got up in the middle of the night with Young Zombie, I would get him back to seep by playing the Weird Al box set. Probably explains much.

  17. although…now that I finished my emergency certifications for the night, and have been able to think a bit, it occurs to me that the Mekons are playing the Hardly Strictly Bluegrass Festival, and if I scraped some of the horseshit out of the way, it would probably be an acceptable horizontal especially considering how drunk I will likely be….

  18. I just know there is a sniper out there, with years of E-bay experience, just waiting and watching as I crawl through the dust and the heat and as soon as I get to post 99 he will swoop in and snatch all the glory from my grasp.

  19. Well, let me add my .02 cents to this thread hoping it gets to 100:I did not mean to say that your photographic changes to whats-his-names cat photo were easy. You are a wonderful artist and your ability to discern what makes for good photography and/or artwork is beyond reproach. So, in other words..sorry if I made it sound so simplistic m'dear sweet woman.

  20. My favorite MST3K episode?My my my my MitchellIt's one of my faves, too. In fact, I was using MITCHELL! as an alias at S,N. Sadly I cannot find those posts. Google has denied me. 😦

  21. Hmmm. Bing 1, Google 0.Are you sure? I learned it as b-i-n-g-O Bingo was his name-o. Although I don't recall the Google o song. W/V is molder. Now I can't wait to see if the next one is sculli.

  22. I did not take the banning siriusly, I really don't take antything very siriusly. There was a message waiting for me when I got off work Friday that an old friend was in town. So that pretty much took up the weekend.

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