What Does it Take to Not Be a Walking Cliche?

I’ve written in the past about how troubled I am by pearl-clutching evo-psych wannabes who wax poetic about the times when girls were good and waited patiently and chastely for a good man to make them honest. On the other hand, I think it’s a mistake to make the argument that men and women think about   sex in the exact same way. My attitudes towards sex and the things that frequently attend it (such as feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings) are fucking complex. I think it would be fun to imagine myself as some super-cool  libertine, but the fact is that when the layers are scraped away, I am, at heart, boringly, boundlessly, and ridiculously (to the point of parody) romantic.  

Deep down I suspect that many women (and hope that some men) are also so afflicted. Yet, I still find the arguments against hooking up (i.e. having no strings attached encounters) and the hook-up culture deeply offensive, even dangerous (mostly because they are so incredibly misogynistic). It’s difficult trying to reconcile these conflicting feelings.

Instead of sweating it– because frankly I don’t have time to, as I just left the room to frantically make a bottle for a crying babby–I’m just going to post videos!

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31 thoughts on “What Does it Take to Not Be a Walking Cliche?

  1. Romantic?I dunno. Yeah, sometimes.I sought a companion that could know when to love me, and when to back off and give me solitude. When to cry, and when everydamnthing was funny. Who cared about the things I cared about, but who had things SHE cared about too, and left room for me to care about those.Who understood the basic humanity of the fight, and also grasped the need to try to avoid it. Who could make use of the arms, and yet understood how bad things must get before resorting to them.Who also wanted to spend a great deal of time reading, and who understood the importance of a Giants game. Who knew not only the importance of things, but which things were important.Needless to say, I grow old alone…

  2. I'm opposed to the "hook-up" culture (& the phrase "hook-up") because when I do, on rare occasion, find someone who will "do it" w/ me, of all people, I don't want to lose a good thing. (Admittedly, as far as I remember, the last time I "did it" w/ an absolute stranger I never saw again was Hallowe'en '79, after a night at the Hong Kong Café.)

  3. Deep down I suspect that many woman (and hope that some men) are also so afflicted.I can be totes hopeless romantic-like if it'll help me get into your pants.It's difficult trying to reconcile these conflicting feelings.Why? Do you feel conflicted about getting offended by homophobic bigots? Teh "so long as it's between consenting adults" perspective means just that. That some pretty serious conditions are required to be exempted from that paradigm is a totes reasonable position to have. Just because you want people who don't share your sexual/relationship preferences to have basic human dignity and freedom from teh sanctimonious judgements of moral scolds – that's a feature, not a bug.

  4. I'm opposed to the "hook-up" culture (& the phrase "hook-up") because when I do, on rare occasion, find someone who will "do it" w/ me, of all people, I don't want to lose a good thing. Well, I guess that's one of the MANY reasons I do not oppose hooking up. Who says a hook up can't lead to something more?

  5. I can be totes hopeless romantic-like if it'll help me get into your pants.Well, hot sweaty monkey sex with a smart, smartass guy can be very romantic. Just because you want people who don't share your sexual/relationship preferences to have basic human dignity and freedom from teh sanctimonious judgements of moral scolds – that's a feature, not a bug.Oh, absolutely. But it's more than that. I just worry this is still another area where we get women coming (heh) and going. On the one hand, we're often ridiculed for being all FEELY and such. On other hand, we're expected to be rather chaste and prudish when push (heh) comes to shove. I just find navigating matters of the heart and the bulbous, throbbing genitals to be a pretty difficult thing to do, ad I'd prefer not to make it more difficult for people by making them think they SHOULD be this way or that.

  6. I just find navigating matters of the heart and the bulbous, throbbing genitals to be a pretty difficult thing to do, ad I'd prefer not to make it more difficult for people by making them think they SHOULD be this way or that.Erm, or something that makes more grammatical sense. Throbbing headache!

  7. Throbbing headache? I recommend orgasm. When my throbbing head aches, this usually does teh trick. Except when I'm doin' it with your mom. Then I need to take two and forget to call her in the morning.re: men and women thinking about sex. I'm all for it. But I have to disagree with the idea that there is a gender-based influence on how people think about sex. I concede that you can't separate out teh societal influence over how men and women view physical intimacy. I also concede that this influence ought to be quite large. HOWEVER, I maintain that variability within genders massively dwarfs variability between genders.I maintain that the mostest prudish prude of prude-dom is equally likely to be PENIS'ed* or not. And teh sluttiest slut of slutville as well**.Example: # of folks who'll disagree with teh statement My attitudes towards sex and the things that frequently attend it (such as feeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelings) are fucking complex. = very near zero.Most people (he says with the authority of someone with no citations to back himself up with) don't like being introspectively self-assessing with regards to their boinking preferences. Leads to questions like "Am I normal?" which are often uncomfortable. And when it comes right down to it, as any Savage Love reader knows, teh answer is "No. You are not normal. But not being normal is in fact way more normal than having exclusively normal prefernces."Our kinks make up a big part of ourselves. We are all about, to a large degree, what turns us on***.re: women getting reamed by this. I see your point – when we're looking at societal pressures and expectations with regards to how men and women approach relationships. But this is one of those Patriarchy fucks us all things – because guys, in this arrangement, are pressured to avoid meaningful relationships. Mixed messages suck and teh ability to navigate them really belongs to folks who wouldn't have problems with them in the first place. But people with self-esteem issues can use those to always paint themselves at fault. It enables and encourages self-destuctive behaviour. Crappy.But for guys, teh message is clear. Found your true love and soul mate? Or maybe just someone you care for very deeply and get along with incredibly well? The message is clear – get the fuck out of there or you'll be just another pussy-whipped wimp.Not trying to say that us menfolks have it worse, just that it ain't necessarily a barrel of roses on teh PENIS end of societal gender expectations.* Well maybe penis'ed, since it's likely not to warrant ALLCAPS.** Excluding your mom.*** Or doesn't. Asexuals really get boned**** in these kinds of discussions.**** Not meant to add insult to injury, i'm just a sucker for cheap and easy openings*****.***** Like your mom.

  8. First disclaimer: I pay absolutely no attention to "evo-psych" people. At all. Dunno what their premise or their conclusions are.That said, I suspect, based on anecdata I have very carefully and scientificallishly pulled from my goatse-place, that women and men think about sex and relationships differently.From all I can tell, for women, sex and relationships are tied together inextricably. This may not be as true for younger people as it is for those of my generation although I'd like to point out that in the Discolithic Era, anonymous hookups were supposedly common so I may be wrong in this case as well.Maybe I should put it this way: often, both men and women compartmentalize sex vs. relationships when they are younger. This compartmentalization changes over time.There is a great deal of variance in the interweaving of sex vs. relationships among individuals but I would posit the following:1) Men are slower to give up this compartmentalization and some of us are worse at it than others.2) Men often like to THINK they can compartmentalize these things but quickly find they cannot and are thus confused and end up feeling (and looking) guilty. I'm looking at you Newtie.Guys who pretend there aren't emotional impacts to even the most casual hookup are likely to find themselves emotionally scarred and stunted (or maybe they were to start with…not sure what's cause and what's effect).NOTE: none of this applies to DKW's mom, who is a dirty whore and begs, nay, DEMANDS to be used and discarded like tissues at a peep show.

  9. Also, too, if you look like a walking cliche, you become invisible. That way you can ogle all the wimminz and nobody notices.Or if they do, they just dismiss you as "ew that creepy old guy."Feature, not a bug.But perhaps I've said too much.w/v is vain. It feels it must preno.

  10. Not trying to say that us menfolks have it worse, just that it ain't necessarily a barrel of roses on teh PENIS end of societal gender expectations.Oh, absolutely! I did not mean to leave dudes out of the "sex/feelings are HARD" equation. Hee hee. No one noticed that I said massively dwarfs.What? I thought it was funny.Well, you bring the lulz so consistently, we, your adoring fans, get spoiled. But if I mentioned every time I chuckled at your posts, it'd grow tiresome, believe me.

  11. Thanks for da insights, WC. I think you bring up a great point in that men can get hurt too. In fact, I've hurt a lot of dudes in my time for a variety of reasons. It's not something I'm proud of, it's just the way it's worked out. See? COMPLEX!!!!

  12. massively dwarfs.Should be "dwarves", just sayin.First disclaimer: I pay absolutely no attention to "evo-psych" people.WC is missing out on a lot of free ennertainment.

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