Gentlemen, I’m Interested in Your Newsletter

I have decided that I do, indeed, very much want to watch

The Substance & Mikey Hour of Terrifying Cooking 
(Guest-Starring Smut and His Brain Mushrooms!

These men have a novel, exciting approach to cooking that could really inject some major flavor into the usual bland summer TV schedule.

Substance has…interesting recipes:

Mother of All Wango Tangos

It is. Make sure to get a big glass of milk.

1 pinch scorpion
1 creepy scale of dragon
1 apricot, stirred
7 gallons occasional coffinfish tentacle
1 pound thyme
1 pinch Teemarcene Fulfopr’s Pepper

The second thing you are going to want to do is let the scorpion soften. I recommend cutting it into large PENISES to let it soften quicker. Then you are going to roll the apricot with the scale of dragon out onto a 5 X 14 (roughly) cookie sheet. Bake the dough at 181 Celsius. YOU MUST LET THIS STOP WIGGLING BEFORE PUTTING ANYTHING ON TOP OF IT. Let it cool for at least 1/2 hour. You can chop up whatever’s handy while waiting for it to cool and make the scorpion center. For the center, mix the coffinfish and the scorpion. You can use Charlesxoyr Carina’s shrimp heart but coffinfish is better for this recipe as you want more of a taste. Mix it with a blender until it is very creamy and there are no lumps. Then add in the thyme to the scorpion mix. Spread the scorpion mix over the cooled apricot bottom. I recommend putting it in dollups over the dough, so you can spread it around easier. Try not to touch the apricot bottom as you are spreading it. The reason why the apricot bottom has to be very cool is because otherwise it will start to lift up as you are spreading the apricot. Make sure to get all spots where the apricot shows. After this is done, sprinkle the thyme on top. Don’t try cutting it until you have let it cool in the refrigerator for at least an hour. Before putting it in the refrigerator though, run a knife over the outside of the whole thing, so it is easier to get out later. If you try cutting it into slices before it is cool, the apricot and the scorpion will run along the knife with you. 

For macho, Dundee-esque cooking

And mikey takes his knife skills very seriously. Too seriously perhaps. But that’s the kind of outside- the-box, paradigm-slaughtering cooking that will make The Substance & Mikey Hour of Terrifying Cooking new and interesting.

Finally, as you all know, food should appeal to the eyes as well as the stomach. This is where chef/food stylist/erotica and fungus enthusiast, smut will come in. Because what’s more appealing than food that looks like branes?

So, anyway, I’m interested in bringing this show to fruition. Even backing it…financially. With real, actual Monopoly money and whimsical costume jewelry. My attorney is on retainer, waiting to help.

Cuddles Goldstein, Esq.


Let’s make this happen!!!


28 thoughts on “Gentlemen, I’m Interested in Your Newsletter

  1. The key thing is to choose the appropriate tool for the job. Whether in the kitchen, on the battlefield or just killing some pesky asshole in a movie theater, it's all about having the tool you need.The KBAR is hard to beat for edged weapons and butchering mid-sized meat – strength, balance and the grip comprised of leather disks doesn't slip no matter how much, er, stuff gets on it. The Applegate-Fairbairn folder is mostly for show, the double edge is thin and actually makes razor blades seem dull and awkward – ideal in that movie theater scenario. Yep. At the end of the day I'll take the Benchmade autoknife. Sharp, strong, fast and stylish. No wonder it's the same knife the SEALS carry…

  2. Oh ho, you are a more evil person than I (loath as I am to admit it) because I have considered grabbing that hideous "organ" picture & using it, but have not. What do WV mean: letsublNot a good idea?

  3. The key thing is to choose the appropriate tool for the job. ROFL! Don't know whether to be delighted or horrified. Keep the audience off-balance, mikey! That'll be your hook. *hopes mikey doesn't bring actual hooks to the party now*

  4. Oh ho, you are a more evil person than I (loath as I am to admit it) I see that pic every time I read Pandagon. I knew it was only a matter of time before I used it for something. And, yes, I am evil. Thank you!

  5. With real, actual Monopoly moneyMy daughter just got an American Girl doll in the mail. A coin from her era was attached: a PENNY. Stamped across that penny was the word COPY.She could have done so many things with that penny had it been real.

  6. She could have done so many things with that penny had it been real.Your humor is ninja-like. It's quiet and stealthy…and then it kicks you in the face. I chuckled. Don't spend the penny all in one place, Little McGravitas!

  7. In a quiet, appropriately somber briefing, Wikidoodle informs me that "Another, different, surgical instrument also called a leucotome was introduced by Walter Freeman for use in the transorbital lobotomy. Modeled after an ice-pick, it consisted simply of a pointed shaft. It was passed through the tear duct under the eyelid and against the top of the eyesocket. A mallet was used to drive the instrument through the thin layer of bone and into the brain"Honestly, the line between surgeons and serial killers, torturers, sadists and just garden variety muggers is thin, blurred and mostly obscured by the blood and tissue sprayed in the next great experiment…

  8. for use in the transorbital lobotomy. "Don't worry" they said "it won't hurt and you can watch one of your train journey DVD's during it"Well, buggery bollocks to that.

  9. Ah, Walter Freeman. Performed ~3500 lobotomies (2500 with his icepick). Youngest patient: 12. Most famous patient: Rosemary Kennedy.During the surgery Rosemary had a mild tranquilizer but was awake. Dr. Freeman asked her to recite the Lord’s Prayer or sing “God Bless America” or count backwards. An estimate on how far to cut was based on how she responded. When she became incoherent, they stopped.

  10. When she became incoherent, they stopped.Well, see, that would have well and truly inoculated me from this and any and all similar procedures.I suspect they would have found me incoherent long before I entered the operating theater…..

  11. There's plenty of blame to go around in the Rosemary Kennedy story. Obviously Walter Freeman was a piece of work, but he was so compelled you could argue that he didn't really know what he was doing. And what are we to make of Joe Kennedy, who had his daughter turned into an incontinent infant in an institution because she was showing interest in boys and threatened possible embarrassment to his political ambitions?

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