Russian Robot Spy Cats + Mad Libs with Substance

I want to write some substantive entries. I do. But frankly I can’t afford to when so many dramatic and disturbing disasters loom. Also, incredibly loony conspiracy theories don’t just construct themselves. Somebody has to put in the time and effort to see that they flower and release their conspiracy pollen into the air. At least that’s what my magic chalkboard tells me.

So, Chalky and I are very upset because we’ve recently discovered that the Cold War is not over. Look at this video:

Seems cute, harmless, right? WRONG. Questions spring to mind:

1.) Why is this cat’s head so round? So adorably, suspiciously round?
2.) Why are its ears proportionally so small?
3.) Why does it “fall asleep” so suddenly?

I know the answers to the questions, but you’re not going to like them, folks. The truth is this: RUSSIAN ROBOT SPY CATS. Oh yes. Let that sink in for a minute. Now, let me expound.

1.) Why is its head so around? SIMPLE! The Russians are taking their cues from the Japanese, masters of Malignant Cuteness Engineering. Make the cat incredibly cute. The Americans will lower their guards, the round-headed armies of adorobots will infiltrate American homes, then BAM–millions dead! They’ll never see it coming!
2.) Why are its ears so small? Because, numbnuts, they’re not in “Kill” position. They are, for all intents and purposes, in the “Off” position. Keep laughing, dickweed, but when the ears are on alert, you’re as good as dead. Laser beams come of out of them. Laser beams come from their frickin’ ears.
3.) Why does it fall asleep so suddenly? Oh, it’s so elementary, my dear Twatson: it’s not sleeping, it’s powering down. 

Now that you know the truth, you can arm yourselves. The Russian Robot Spy Cats are helpless against mechanized catnip. And if you send me 50 kajillion dollars, I can send you a month’s supply. Act quickly. Stock is limited. 

Another catastrophe averted by Chalky and me. You’re welcome.

In other news, a certain DJ with, let’s just say, an unsavory reputation, pointed out I had misspelled “orbs.” He’s right. For the purposes of this attempt at humor, he’s right. 
Look at my original entry. Now let’s replace the word “Orcs” with “orbs.” And let’s enjoy the hilarity that ensues!
I’d like to christen this blog by writing about something I think is very important to all of us during these times of crisis and uncertainty: orbs.
Confession time: I’ve never read the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. So, I can definitively say I am not a fangirl of either the books or the movies. But, I am a fan. And, more importantly, I am fascinated by orbs. Because I think they’re creepy.

Every time Mr. Slayer and I catch the trilogy on TV, I never fail to say “ORBS ARE SCARY!!!” And they are. As something of a horror aficionado, I can’t help but notice that that orbs are very “horror-y”-looking, so, of course, I love that.

Now, I know that the LOTR trilogy was written in Ye Olde Fashioned-Y Times, so I often wonder what Mr. Tolkien himself would think if he could see his all his characters brought to life. Would he dig it? Would he be appalled (especially by the SCARY ORBS)? What say you, fangirls/boys? What do you think?


22 thoughts on “Russian Robot Spy Cats + Mad Libs with Substance

  1. Sirius, that Adrian Belew song is really pretty.And–wow!–look at that little guy play!!! That's so cool!DK-W…now that definitely sounds like your kind of music. Lawd, I love a drinkin' man.

  2. It's your RSS comment feed. Looks clear in Firefox or an RSS reader. A handy thing.Cool! Thanks for letting me know. Mrs Spat 6 months ago.GOOD GAWD! That's not a cat, that's a lion! That's Aslan! When my son is born, I'm going to bring him to NZ so he can ride around on her. She's gorgeous. I have 3 cats. 2 are from ASPCA, 1 is feral. Her name is Pippi. She does not know how to "meow" properly. She only makes these weird sounds like a baby pterodactyl.

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