Flirt Retard

I have been married since I was 23. (You do the math.) I have been off the market a long time. I have decided that I am a flirt retard. I don’t think I would recognize flirtation if it fucked me in the ass. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you would like to flirt with me, please don’t do that.

Awhile back, I had to take my car into get serviced at mom and pop car place. It took a pretty big chunk of time. Luckily I had company. The the guy who ran the office talked to me the whole time. It was really pleasant. He was an incredibly nice and engaging guy. I never discuss politics or religion in mixed company, but was shocked to learn he was pretty much a flaming liberal like moi. So, anyway, we got along famously. I left thinking “What a nice guy.”

Later I recounted this incident to the chuckleheads at a certain humor/political blog I shan’t mention…and was immediately informed that the guy was hitting on me. I protested! Oh, I protested! Vehemently! I think I still protest. But now I’m unsure.

Cut to months and months later. (A couple of weeks ago.) I went back and again had to sit for a long chunk o’ time while my car was serviced. Anyway, the same guy was there. And again we talked. And again it was extremely pleasant. Except this time, the subject du jour was sex. (Basically, it was Americans are prudey and fucked up about sex and nudity.) And I did not bring it up.  I was perfectly willing to go down this road, but after awhile, I was like “Hmmmm. Maybe it’s time to switch subjects.” When he told me didn’t like Sports Illustrated swimsuit models because he did not enjoy the artifice, let’s just say my Spidey sense told me something was up. Maybe I’m just an insulated idiot, but it’s simply hard for me to fathom dudes not almost uniformly being very PRO-SI bikini models. I thought perhaps maybe it was a ploy to impress oh-so-feminist me. And when he started talking about having had a threesome (this was said to have been a less-than-satisfactory experience) I thought, “I am pouring cold water on this convo!” So I made him watch this on my iPad:

I figured if anything would cool things down, it was that. (Also, I just wanted to show it to him. Because I want to show it to everyone. Because I assume that everyone will find it as rivetingly horrifying and hilarious as I do.) He seemed amused…then–YOINK!–the convo was back on sex. So, yeah. I don’t know. There’s every chance this guy is just a nice guy who’s up for conversation about anything. Then again, maybe he thinks I’m a cutie. I will never know.

I’m starting to think I never have. It’s easy to pick up on visual cues. Like I know I will get checked out by dudes every time I leave the house. (Even heavily pregnant. Of course now it could be like “Hey, what’s that parade float doing here?!” Kicking ass and taking names, that’s what!) There’s a reason there are two blouses that always sit un-worn in my closet because they show off a little too much real estate in a certain chest-related area. Only time I wear them is when I have not done laundry. For realz. Some women enjoy showing off a little cleave. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. And every time I wear them, the eye-fuck action always goes up a notch, and my inner-monologue is as follows: “Shoulda done some fucking laundry…shoulda done some fucking laundry.”

  The Flirt Retard in her early days

Then again, because I’m so flirt-rusty, I think it’s entirely possible that I have taken perfectly innocent words or gestures  and gone “OMG. TOTALLY. WANTS. ME.” Being an idiot on top of being a flirt retard does not make things easier. I think I shall just make sure I do the laundry and retire to a life of married spinsterhood. (Shut up, pedants! I know that spinsterhood and marriage are at odds. That’s the point.)

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35 thoughts on “Flirt Retard

  1. "I have been married since I was 23"Yeah, so have I. The math still has no unique solution without another constraint, 'cos I'm willing to bet I'm younger than you. (Chokes discreetly.) But then, I flirt as well.

  2. I know dudes who aren't interested in Sports Illustrated models. Dudes who like women, even. I mean, they might be like, "Yeah, she's hot, but…" too fake, too skinny, too whatever. They're sexy, but not the kind of sexy that's interesting. I'm terrible at recognizing flirting, too. Either that, or nobody ever flirts with me, which I suppose is possible.I wear low-cut stuff sometimes, and I'll be like, "Why is that dude *staring* at me?" before I realize what he's staring at.

  3. Yeah, I was surprised to find myself defending SI models during that convo, cuz I'm generally not terrifically-impressed with what's considered sexy these days. Off of my lawn and all that…yada yada yada… He brought up artifice, which I know is involved, but I do think most of those ladies at least have real boobs, which is something, I supposed. I'd be AWFULLY surprised if people weren't flirting with you…but, you know, sometimes it can be hard to tell. I don't want to take every gesture of friendliness from a man as potential flirtation. Then again, men are pretty piggy. And I say that affectionately, not in a man-hating way. If they weren't all at least a little piggy, none of us would be here…I guess I just feel dumb sometimes, because I'm pretty sure I've been completely oblivious to interest before. I'm almost equally as sure I've conjured up interest where there was none. *facepalm*

  4. I'm willing to bet I'm younger than you. (Chokes discreetly.) Pay no attention to the OLD MAN behind he curtain.men are pretty piggyWe prefer the term "grunty malebeast".

  5. men are pretty piggyeven though I am an unemployed shambler who has been married a long time, I still find myself staring at missus zombizzle's chestular region when she wears low cut stuff…..sigh. Bad feminist zombie.

  6. I still find myself staring at missus zombizzle's chestular region when she wears low cut stuff…..sigh. Bad feminist zombie.Hey, if you can't stare at your zombie bride's chest, who's can you stare at? I say stare away!I have found that being obsessive about the Mekons serves QUITE WELL to keep all flirtation to an absolute minimum.I find that very hard to believe. I, for one, think dudes who are obsessive music fans hot.Or else this is a REALLY GOOD Cuba Zombre I am drinking.I hope it's that. What is that, btw? I want to drink vicariously through you. Also, I find spanking in some cases vaguely erotic and prefer not to think of that assface in any sort of erotic scenario. *shudders*

  7. Given your written output, I'd say your flirtation skills are intact. Also, given the number and quality of BEWBIE pictures you have displayed in the past, perhaps you protest too much?Funny thing about subtle, non-obvious interactions: sometimes you may read too much, or too little, into them.But what do I know? I've been married longer than you were single. Flirted a bit, too, but frankly, if I flirt too hard I scare myself. So I stay pretty restrained.

  8. " given the number and quality of BEWBIE pictures you have displayed in the past, perhaps you protest too much?"Well, where have all the bewbies gone, huh? Raddle me that! No, but seriously…putting some mildly sexy photos of cleave up is different than having that visceral feedback you can actually observe. And honestly, they seem to mostly go ignored…so it was easy to think of them as no big deal. "Flirted a bit, too, but frankly, if I flirt too hard I scare myself. So I stay pretty restrained."Yeah, I completely understand this. You're a good hubby, WC!

  9. I don't think I would recognize flirtation if it fucked me in the ass.Quite coincidentally I opened up the longest-running on-the-bus composition recently and it was looped at J. Vernon Mcgee saying "god just do that butt" and you going "um, a, really" and the other non-committal bits from that sound sample.

  10. It has been many years since I've perused an SI swimsuit edition, but I remember the young ladies as being more "athleticallty built" than what was on display in other mags. Of course this was also beck before breast augmentation was a common practice so I wouldn't be surprised to learn things have changed. Having recently become resingle I am currently working on unretarding my flirt. I'm making some progress so I don't think I will have to go back to SI swimsuit issues.

  11. But depending on where you are offers of buttsex on the bus are not surprising.Well, geez, Substance. Now I'm a little worried about you. Stay out of the Buttsex Solicitation section of the bus!Having recently become resingle I am currently working on unretarding my flirt.I would say that if your flirting style bears any resemblance to your conversational style or just general good humor, you're gonna do great.

  12. I'd be AWFULLY surprised if people weren't flirting with you…but, you know, sometimes it can be hard to tell. Yeah, I mean, it's not like it *never* happens, but like you, I don't really pick up on it. Plus, the way I flirt is to act like a normal person and talk about dorky shit and make dumb jokes, and this makes everything careen into ambiguous territory if you're not careful.I was once told by a young man, "Before you agreed to go on a date with me, I wasn't sure if you were a lesbian or not." And music geekery is totally hot.

  13. Well, it's been a looooooooooooooooooong time since I did anything other than do some mostly harmless flirting on the Intertrons, but I recall doing it the way you do: I just acted like myself, and made jokes. Making jokes is a great way to weed out assholes. If he doesn't laugh, he's obvs a loser. But I know what you're saying…if the convo is not overtly, stereotypically "flirty" or sexual, it can just be straight-up confusing. And, yes…it can't be said enough: music-geekery is just extraordinarily hot. That and drinkin'. I'm so sick.

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